What? Elisa looked at her roommate with the sympathetic eyes that Annie was sure she'd been practicing her whole life. She imagined a clumsy pint-sized Elisa climbing on top of a toilet and furrowing her toddler eyebrows in feigned concern in front of the mirror.
There's something wrong, don't you see? I'm not panicking. I'm not hyperventilating. I'm fine!
Maybe you're growing. Elisa smiled and took Annie's hands in her own.
Maybe something horrible is about to happen. Annie felt her heart start to race and panic finally began to set in.
12 hours earlier:
Annie woke Wednesday morning to find all the blankets and covers kicked to the side of what had been a pristinely made bed. She rolled over onto the maroon body pillow that she now used to simulate the presence of another human being next to her and recalled with a grimace the evening before:
I've given this a lot of thought, and I don't want to do this anymore. I wish I could offer you a reason, but I really think I should trust my feelings instead of trying to justify them. I just don't want to be that person anymore...
Never one for social graces, Annie had made a few inappropriate jokes (It's because my tits are different sizes isn't it?) several comments insinuating that Brian was gay (Well you were in the navy....) and finally conceded:
I'm sorry... If I'm being callous or snarky it's to cut the tension, not to hurt you... I suppose that's not the person I want to be.
She rolled back off the pillow and waited expectantly for the sweeping illness from the night before to return to her stomach. After a minute or two, she rubbed her eyes, finding only the familiar discomfort of contacts that had been left in overnight. She knew that by waking up she had re-entered the world of anxiety and compulsive behaviors and feared what last night's events meant for the day ahead, but as she kicked her legs out of the bed, the only thought occupying her mind was the leftover pizza and chinese on the coffee table. She checked the clock next to her bed and surmised that there was probably still time to consume the leftovers before they would go stale. The anxiety will come later, she told herself... and stumbled out into the hallway toward the kitchen.
In the living room, Annie's roommates shared sympathetic glances before greeting her:
How'd you sleep, babe? Lara had already beat Annie to the not-yet-stale leftovers and was holding a piece of pizza in her hand.
I slept alright, she now directed her attention to Elisa who was stirring a pyrex measuring glass filled with stuffing. How'd the exam go? Elisa shrugged and planted herself next to Lara on the couch. Annie joined them and flipped through channels while perusing what was left of the pizza and rice on the coffee table. Elisa reached over and offered Annie a hug with one arm (the other still clutching the pyrex of stuffing). Annie caught a glimpse of the contingency bag she had packed the night before. It contained borrowed objects of Brian's in the case that he didn't want to see her again. She had fully expected to burst into tears at the sight of the balled up sweatshirt and dvd collection stuffed into her old messenger bag, but nothing came. She returned Elisa's embrace and concentrated on the sweatshirt, focusing all of her attention on the implications of the bag poised next to the couch, but try as she might, she couldn't reproduce the panic or grief from the previous evening. (What the hell is wrong with me?)
6 hours earlier
Something was wrong. Annie knew from experience that she should be completely disassembled at this point, Yesterday she was crying on the couch recalling all the unpleasant details of her brief yet effective conversation with Brian from the night before, and now all she felt was some hybrid between resignation and relief that after a week of emotional purgatory she had at least some sort of resolution. She rushed through the apartment desperate to find some sort of stimuli. She took out the DVD's he'd left in her posession (a friend retainer? More like a guilt sacrifice for dragging her sorry ass along.) and placed one on the TV in her room. She waited for a twinge or a flash of something positive. Anything to induce remorse or guilt, but she didn't feel anything aside from exhaustion. She knew it was time to pull out the big guns.
5 hours earlier
Annie knew what had to be done. If she couldn't induce the expected anxiety, she would have to reproduce it based on last year's events. She closed her eyes and imagined herself barefoot, with her hair all chopped off, fighting and crying in the bitter cold for Stan to take her back. She vividly recalled the stinging remarks and harsh realizations last holiday season has brought with it. Annie tapped into all the reserve emotionally distressing places from which she'd been systematically distancing herself for years, and to her complete shock and terror, nothing resulted. She looked at the clock to see it was 2:16 and for the first time, she simply did not care. Oh my god, I'm becoming something inhuman. I'm a robot with no emotion. I'm supposed to be an emotional disaster right now and I feel fine. I should be crying and mourning another pathetic breakup at my expense... This should be at least six times more mortifying than it is. She was at a complete loss. She knew, somewhere in the back of her brain that the panic attacks and hysterics would come rushing in, but she'd tried everything.
Wait! Not everything.
She fired up her computer and signed onto her profile on facebook. Without a moments hesitation she clicked on the “photos of me” link and waited for what she knew would be the first image to load, and there it was. She and Brian at a party, beers in hand and huddled close for the picture. She stared at it for a few minutes and came to a final conclusion. This is a great picture of me, and there's not a chance in hell I'm de-tagging myself.
Not the reaction she was expecting.
4 hours earlier
Michael's coming by! Elisa announced from the hallway before entering the living room.
I'll go put pants on, Annie sighed and walked toward her room. She opened her closet and pulled a pair of blue jeans from the dresser. As she lifted them out, her phone fell out of the back pocket. She retrieved it from the floor and walked to her doorway, What should I change Brian to in my contacts? She shouted down the hall. The entry “Purgatory McLimboface” just didn't fit the resolve he had demonstrated the evening prior.
How about Brian? Lara suggested from across the hall.
Why don't you just take him out? Elisa chimed in.
Yeah, that works. I mean, if he calls, I'll have his number again. Annie recalled first meeting Brian: his jesting accusations that she was “pandering” before he scrawled his digits on the back of one of the flyers she was passing out on the quad. She had thrown that piece of paper away after they'd been together for a while, thinking it absurd to hold onto it when they talked so often. She looked fleetingly toward the wastebasket behind her and tried to muster up some emotion, maybe even enough to halfheartedly dig through the discarded papers and bottles to find the memento, but nothing came. She flipped open her phone and erased “Purgatory McLimboface” from her contacts and returned to the living room. From the chair by the couch, she mused over her newfound complacency. Looking out the sliding door to the campus outside, she saw bundled students walking past the building and wondered idly where they were coming from or if she knew any of them. She imagined, with a tinge of shame, about seeing Brian's fraternity brothers in her classes and having to explain why she wasn't going on any semester's end bar crawls with them, and for a moment she mustered some sort of emotion toward him: a faint annoyance that he probably wouldn't be considerate enough to tell anyone before she would have to explain, but her thoughts were cut off by the familiar knock of Michael at their apartment door.
Hey guys, Michael entered and began to remove his shoes and place them behind the chair, as per Annie's OCD demands for the living area. One pair of shoes per person. Lara always said she appreciated it becauseI she knew if anyone was staying over by counting footwear by the doorway. It's chilly out there. He removed his jacket and hat before plopping down on the couch next to Elisa. They talked in whispers for a few moments before Elisa looked in Annie's direction.
We're gonna watch a movie, she smiled warmly, and you should stay and watch it with us if you're not too tired. She turned back to Michael and exchanged a few more hushed whispers. Michael really wants to watch When Harry Met Sally.
This was the ultimate test. Annie had been avoiding this movie meticulously for a year. Elisa while trying to comfort her last Christmas, had rented it in hopes of cheering Annie up and reassuring her that Stan's abrupt change of heart was temporary and things would eventually click back into place. (It's comforting because it's a movie about friends who are meant for each other, she had consoled.) Annie looked at her roommate with wide eyes. Do you think that this is the right time? I mean I didn't think that would be a good 'just got dumped' movie to watch.
You can handle it, Elisa reassured with confidence that Annie did not find comforting. However, given her lack of breakdown all day, she was looking for an excuse, any excuse, to jump start the panic attacks she knew were coming.
(Bring on the pain.) Annie gave Elisa a resolved nod and retrieved a drink from the fridge.
Two Hours Earlier
Nothing. She had given it a valiant effort. During the New Year's scene, she recalled that she wouldn't be kissing anyone this year at midnight, how when she had expressed that this was a desire of hers, how Brian had so quickly offered to make the trek to campus for New Year's Eve. Nothing. No heavy breathing, no racing pulse. She imagined herself on New Year's counting down until midnight, champaign glasses clinking in a new year's toast. She imagined herself singing Auld Lang Syne in the sleek black dress she'd planned on wearing. But there were no rushing images of everyone around her kissing and embracing while she shuffled awkwardly through the mess, no hopeful day dreams where Brian swooped in with a dazzling speech before granting her New Year's wish, just the calm reality that she would be out with loved ones toasting to a fresh start. Calm, calm, like the calm before a storm. She smiled at Elisa and Michael, That movie was excellent. She said, and without intending to be, she was completely sincere.
One Hour Earlier
Wanna have a cigarette on the porch? Lara poked her head into Annie's room.
Dear god, yes... Annie removed herself from her desk and grabbed a her sweatshirt from the back of the chair. The deck was cold, but most of the wind was blocked so Annie and Lara could lean against the rail comfortably and talk.
You doing alright? Lara asked it so casually, in a way that made it seem like she would only half listen to any answer anyway. She was always so good at diffusing something serious into something conversational.
I'm actually really good... and you know, Annie began tentatively, I feel like I should be more upset. I just got dumped by a guy I liked, who wasn't a complete dick... This is where it should have become sad an pathetic, where she would normally point out the cosmic cruelty of it all with the upcoming holiday and all her excitement, but things turned in a different direction than expected. ...But I'm intelligent and interesting and exciting and he made a huge mistake throwing it away on a whim. I'm going to be so successful, because I'm driven and passionate, and I'm so different from the people he's around all the time. I can hold my own when we're out together, I can hold my own in a discussion, I am making great decisions and taking care of myself, and he's just out there dicking around until he figures out exactly what he's missing in his life? I don't need that being put on me. I'm much happier out of the picture while he has an existential crisis. I can't tell him what it's all about, I'm too busy figuring that out myself, and obviously doing a better job than him since I'm not panicking my way out of something good. So if he figures it out, he can beg for my forgiveness and I'll probably emasculate him for a while before giving him a second shot, and if he doesn't want to be with me, it's his loss, because I am something unique and not altogether unattractive, and I'd make a damn good friend and a damn good girlfriend. It is, most definitely, his loss...
Wow, Lara lit Annie a second cigarette. I was gonna offer to take him out for you, but if you really believe that... Damn! I'm so proud of you!
Not really, Annie fumbled. Just the part about how I'm doing fine, which I really am by the way.... ...it's disconcerting.
Present Time
If the only thing you're worried about is NOT being worried, I think you should reevaluate this situation and go to bed. Elisa hugged her roommate and walked her to her room.
But something has to be wrong! I've tried everything and I'm just... Annie searched for the right word, and was disgusted with herself when she finally found it ...apathetic. Annie pulled back the covers on her bed, careful not to disturb the mountain of pillows at the head and gently slid herself between the sheets. Maybe, you can only honestly have your heart torn to pieces once, and then after that, everything is small potatoes.
Maybe, goodnight. I love you. Elisa kissed Annie on the forehead and walked to the door. If you need me for anything...
I know, Annie placed her phone in her charger and reached to turn out her bedside lamp. Goodnight! She said with a little more desperation that she liked.
Goodnight, Elisa returned and Annie could hear her chuckle as she closed the door to her room. She placed her right palm over her heart to see if it was beginning the race, but the familiar beats remained at a steady pace and lulled her toward sleep. Divine apathia, a miracle that would go without appreciation for Annie. She snuggled against the body pillow next to her and sang softly to herself, keeping time with the steady beat of her heart.
But in the case, I stand one little chance, here comes the Jackpot question in advance. What are you doing New Year's. New Year's Eve?
Thursday
Annie walked into her therapists office and stripped off her coat before taking her place amongst the pillows on the familiar couch behind her.
How have you been? Devon asked, as he took his place across from her. Did anything get resolved? Are you feeling any less stress.
Annie made her usual mental perimeter sweep of the office before she began to speak. I am doing very well, and I find this incredibly disconcerting for the following reasons...
One Hour Later
Annie hit the shuffle button on the radio as she pulled out of her parking spot. She was at a red light when she heard something familiar on the radio. She hurriedly switched off the scan and turned the volume higher, and couldn't help but grin as she sang along:
Here comes the jackpot question in advance. What are you doing New Year's? New Year's Eve.
