In the spirit of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy, here we collect the little gems that remind us each day of why Arik and Stan are not real people (the reason being because the individuals after whom they are modeled don't happen to be real people either...)
Cost-Benefit Decision Making:
by Stan
When making a decision, I work on an emotional slide scale. While slightly archaic, it remains effective. You see, when asking myself "should I do this?" I first weigh how likely it is to hurt or cause discomfort to another person. I know you're wondering, "but Stan, HOW can you assign a numerical value to pain or discomfort?" I reply to you: I am just that good. After that, I evaluate how happy or justified the decision will make me feel; again, no small feat, but usually I will feel justified to the value of ten on nearly any subject or deed, so approximations are made simple. I add the value of my satisfaction to the value of dissatisfaction of the involved parties, and if the number is above zero (and when, really does it ever fall below...?) I follow through.
You see, because I added math, it makes my inhumanity more palatable.
I am brilliant... Feelings are boring; kissing is awesome.
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